I found out I was pregnant on January 19th of 2006. I had many different emotions, but the one that stood out to me the most was worry. I didn't know what kind of mother I would be. I know that I have a big heart and love caring for others but this was bigger than that. I had to get ready to have another person completely dependent on me and my choices. I had to get ready for all the hard times and heartbreak, because, as we all know, life is not easy! As the months went by the worry faded and excitement grew. I knew I was ready to love and care for this new life. I read books, talked with other parents. I was ready for whatever life threw at me,or so I thought.
On August 22nd of the same year, my water broke about a month early. I couldn't believe that this day had come already, after all I was supposed to have a whole month to prepare. We got in the car and during the short time it took to get to the hospital, I became prepared. I was a little nervous with the baby being premature and all, but I knew the wonders that doctors these days can work. Once I was all settled in and labor started I could focus on nothing but getting this child out. After 22 hours of labor my son, Kole, was born at 5lbs 2oz. Immediately after giving birth they are supposed to plop your child up on your chest and you should take this moment to bond with your new baby! This moment never came for me. I knew something was wrong the minute they swept him right away from me and worked on him in the corner of the room. I asked if something was wrong and got no answer. After a few minutes of working with him, they swaddled him and brought him over to me, explaining I only had about 30 seconds with him because he had to be taken to the NICU. He was having trouble breathing. I honestly couldn't even enjoy those 30 seconds, my mind was in a completely different place. I wasn't able to go to the NICU to see him untill after my epidural had worn off, it took about 3 hours. In this time my boyfriend stayed with him in the NICU trying to figure out what was going on. I heard that he was having trouble breathing but as long as they kept him on his belly he was stable. I could not wait to get up there and find our for myself what was going on. Once I got to the NICU I found that they had Kole in a small room with only 2 or 3 other beds in it.They had him on his belly sprawled out. A nurse came in to talk to us. She explained that his tongue was large and fell to the back of his throat when placed on his back, so for now he would have to stay on his belly. I remember all I wanted to know was if my baby was going to live. It didn't matter to me if they had to hang him from his toes from a wash line, WILL HE LIVE?? My boyfriend and I asked the nurse if we should be worried. I don't remember her exact answer but I do remember that is was not comforting in the least! I think a simple "Yes" was her answer. Not "Yes, but we are doing our best" just "Yes be worried." So in my mind I was trying to prepare myself for the worst but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't prepare for the death of the most important being in my life. I cried for hours, it was the only thing I could do.
After 3 days, I was finally able to hold my son. We had to do skin-to-skin holding. My boyfriend and I had to take our shirts off and place Kole (only in a diaper) on our chest belly down. This was the most amazing feeling in the world. It was in this moment that I realized just how much I love this little guy. I didn't care what was wrong with him, I would do whatever it took to give him a loving and fulfilling environment.HE WAS ALL THAT MATTERED. That same day I tried to breast feed him, which did not go well at all. I was hoping to be able to get that awful feeding tube taken out of his nose. I could only imagine how uncomfortable it would be to have a tube in your nose the whole way down the back of your throat and in to your stomach. My poor baby. Because he was having this trouble feeding they were unable to send him home, in fact they were going to move him to a NICU at St. Christopher's Children's Hospital in Philadelphia. They were going to try to figure out what exactly was causing his tongue to fall back in his throat and making him unable to eat. I was nervous about going 2 hours away from home to a new hospital but excited for the possibility of getting this fixed and having a healthy baby.
Exactly one week after he was born the new hospital sent an ambulance for Kole to be moved. I felt so uneasy about him driving on the highway for 2 hours with complete strangers. Me and A.j. (my boyfriend) went home to get our things together and quickly were on our way to meet our baby boy. When we got to the hospital Kole had not arrived yet. This turned my stomach. What happened, why aren't they here yet, how could we have left after them and gotten here before them. Something had to be wrong. Finally after 30 minutes they got Kole safely to the NICU. Now we could get started on finding out what was going on with him. Doctors researched new things everyday, and everyday we did too. As soon as they came up with a possibility we found out as much as we could about it. Different syndromes, genetic mishaps. Every new find broke our hearts. To think what our son would have to go through in his lifetime, as if this life isn't hard enough. We worked everyday to get him to eat and everyday nothing. After 3 weeks, the doctors came up with Pierre Robin Syndrome a birth defect where the individual has a small lower jaw, a large tongue and most of the time a cleft palate, which we would later find out that Kole had, and also acid reflux. Finally, a solid answer, something to work with. We felt a ray of hope come over us. Now to address the feeding issues. The doctors felt that Kole's small jaw and large tongue were what was keeping him from eating so untill they were fixed, either by surgery or naturally growing, he would be unable to eat.
One month after arriving at St. Christopher's they placed a feeding tube ( g-tube) in Kole's belly and performed a Nissen for his acid reflux. A week after surgery we were taught how to use his g-tube and the same day, after his car seat test we were sent home. I was so happy and thankful that Kole had made it out alive. He made me so proud. In the same breath, I was terrified to be home with him, no doctors or nurses to tell us we were doing things right, or that his oxygen levels were okay. I remember the feeling in my stomach as we put him in the car and started on our 2 hour journey home, i could have puked. Everyday of that month I wanted Kole out of there so bad it hurt but on this, the day he was finally able to leave, I wanted to turn right around and take him back to the people who had taken such great care of him, I knew they could take care of him, but wasn't so sure if I could. About an hour in to our drive, it was time for Kole to eat, through his g-tube of course. We pulled over to the side of the highway and began our new life. The first time that I fed him, it gave me a feeling unlike anything I ever felt before. I was confident in what I was doing, I was caring for my child just like any other mother would, no matter what I had to do, no matter how unusual, I was going to do it. We made it home safe and from then on I let my instincts guide my care for him, I knew Kole would have the life I wanted so badly for him, and I was going to be the one to give it to him.
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