The Weight Of The World

Okay, so this blog isn't completely about autism or even my son. It's more about me and how lost I feel on this journey. I never in a million years would've guessed that I would feel so abandoned and alone. I've always had a very close family life.We had our struggles (a lot of them) but no matter what I knew I could depend on my family when times got tough. These days I'm not to sure where to turn. I have A.J., I pray everyday that he will never leave me. We have been on this journey for six years TOGETHER! I don't think I would have made it through a lot of the hard times without him. I just feel so bad that I ALWAYS burden him with my emotions, which sometimes, are overwhelming to say the least. I don't want to be the nagging, crying, emotional wreck, that a lot of women turn into after so many years. But I don't fully have anyone else. I say fully because I know there are people I could call and vent to. But I never really get their full attention. There is so much going on in their life, that I'm kinda swept under the rug. I always hear, "I don't worry about you, I know you are doing good and will take good care of your kids." But that doesn't mean that I don't need them, just because most days I plow through the stress and hold my head high! I have gone through A LOT in the past couple of years. There have been many times when I questioned my sanity (seriously!), I didn't know if I would be able to drag myself out of bed and go through another grueling day. I have so much pain and anger that I've never gotten to deal with because I have to be strong and have no opportunity to work through it. I hate to put it this way, but when all of these issue's with Kole came up after his birth, I mourned. I mourned for the "normal", "happy" life me or my son would never have. I mourned the son who was going to grow up, go to prom, have girlfriends, get married, have kids, I lost that son when all of this was revealed. I am in no way saying that Kole is not the son I wanted, only he is not the son I assumed I would have. There is a lesson to be learned from that! Don't assume that everything will always go as planned, instead plan for the unexpected! I don't know how to deal with these deep seeded feelings. They are always there no matter how big I smile or how much I enjoy my children. And I don't have the type of support I, once again, assumed I would have. This breaks my heart. I, for the most part, have been a good person, with a big heart. I just naturally thought people would understand that I needed lots of support and help, and they would have no problem giving it to me, after all, that's what a family does right? Not only does this issue hurt me, but it hurts my children. They are not going to have that  big tight knit family that I expected they would have. Kole has not had any overnights or even spent a full day with anyone other than us in MONTHS. I lost track that's how long it's been. My heart shatters when I think about how that must make him feel. Just because his needs are different and their life is too unstable to handle him. I would think he would inspire them to get it together and want to do better, but I guess I am made different. I know I can give him all the love and support that he could ever need, it just hurts so bad to think that he will never have that special family bond with anyone but Me, A.J. and Kaydence. I always have hope that things will get better, but I'm not holding my breath. I also try not to hold on to any anger or resentment, this will only pull me down. I've learned to accept people for who they are, and not have any expectations of those people, so that I can not be disappointed. I take what I can get from them, when they want to give it. Even if it is only a half hour visit once a month, I try to enjoy it and feel that family bond for as long as it lasts. I have learned a lot from this. I now know how I want to raise my kids, and how I will NEVER make them feel. I will always dream big for them and support them 100% even if they are doing well and I feel like they don't need me to support them. They are what is going to get me through this. I will forever be in debt to my children for the priceless gifts they have given me, and I will work for the rest of my life to repay that debt, by any means necessary!